Today I was listening to a song on the radio…a song about feeling lost, getting grounded, and the stark reality you face when you’re forced to find yourself again. I became all sorts of emotional, which isn’t so out of the ordinary lately. For some reason, feelings have been flooding through me like some kind of dam broke inside. Maybe it’s my body still regulating hormones…but whatever it is, it’s making me a weepy mess.
This time a year ago I had just found out that I was pregnant. What an unexpected slap in the face that was. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, so I chose to embrace it with everything I had. I’d like to think that I did that because it was the “right” thing to do, but at the time I think it was because I was so scared out of my mind that I had to throw my energy into something, and thankfully it ended up in the place it needed to be.
From then on, my life progressively got better. Pregnancy did something wonderful to me– I was forced to be responsible in ways that I never had been before. Not being responsible now had serious consequences: if I didn’t keep up with medical bills, then Medicaid wouldn’t reimburse them. If I slept through my doctor’s appointment, my baby’s health could be at risk. If I didn’t eat properly, the baby may not grow the way he should. If I didn’t save my money, then I wouldn’t be able to support another person. If I didn’t take time to nurture my relationship with Jon, my son may not be able to grow up with two parents.
Talk about pressure. Thankfully, though, pregnancy and then having a son, did another wonderful thing. It gave me peace.
There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I didn’t have peace. I was lost…I was drinking too much, procrastinating constantly, letting myself be sucked into a hazy depression that seemed endless at the time. I saw the looming black hole and ran in the opposite direction, first to an internship in Prague, and then into my friends’ arms in Pennsylvania. Things started to get better, and then I met Jon and life really started to look colorful and pretty again.
Mason was the final piece to the puzzle of stability that I worked so hard to put together. He is the stark reality that I had to face when I was finding myself again. I looked that reality right in the eyes, and it was then that I found peace. It was something that I wasn’t in complete control of, and there wasn’t much to do, I thought, except to be okay with it. Reality never tasted so sweet.
I look at him now with such pride. I did that, I think to myself, Jon and I did that. We both have overcome some serious obstacles, and have made conscious decisions that have bettered our lives. I see Mason as a symbol of my decision to live life actively, and my choice to be healthy, aware, and happy.
I’ve found myself again– mirrored in the smiling face of my beautiful son.
travels through motherhood 